I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
