Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
