I showed him my bush... on skype.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
