What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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