Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
