You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
