I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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