I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
