the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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