I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
