i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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