dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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