he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
