Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
