Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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