Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
