if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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