I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
