Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
