dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
