Apparently you make a good broom.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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