I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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