nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
