Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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