Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
You pole danced in your parka.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
