We need to start having sex underwater more often.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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