im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
