Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Randomize
