Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
