she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
