Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Randomize
