After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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