She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
My ATM looks so different sober.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
