Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
