well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
