My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
