sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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