the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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