It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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