we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
