Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
