Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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