i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She bit a glass in half.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
