just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
