I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I love you. Go after that dick
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
