you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Green mimosas i think yes
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
