It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
