even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
