i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
We left the knife in your bed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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