the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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