id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Houston, we have a blender
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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