I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
